Parenting hack: don't not never use a negative

My mother once washed my mouth out with soap. We had a little clothesline in the basement closet and clothespins with kitty faces on them for drying mittens. Five-year-oldish, I was singing to the kittens, and naming them alphabetically: Ay-itten, Bitten, Citten, Ditten, Ey-itten, Fitten, Gitten, and had apparently gotten to "sh." She said, "don't say that!" hauled me out of the closet by my ear and fed me a horrible, frothing, somewhat squishy bar of Ivory. For years and years I had no idea what her problem was with cats, but wow, she really hated all twenty-six of them.

Kids and parents are set up for communication channel failures all the time. Baby toddles over to the plug. Parent says, "Don't touch that!" Baby looks at parent. Baby yanks on plug. Baby's first time-out.

It's also baby's first Kafka: a punishment that comes down from above without the baby having the faintest idea what just happened. And there will be many, many, more of these on the way to being a fairly responsible member of society.

Tots don't get the word "don't." When you say "don't touch that!" you're setting the kid up for failure. First, obviously, the baby wants to touch the electrical cord. So you have to overcome the momentum of attention. Second, language is new to someone new. "Don't" is a short word with hardly any meaning in a world full of novelty and noise. In fact, it really only functions as a verbal "hey!"to a baby. So now he's looking at you, and taking in the words "touch that" which is what he wanted to do in the first place. You just told him to do it. So now he does, and he was sure you were on board with the plan, except that to you he looks defiant, and to him, your reaction looks insane. Then on top of it, he gets punished, and is mighty sad and angry about that.

Want to make things easier on both of you? Start talking clearly from the beginning. Say "Hands off!" for example, because even if she doesn't really get anything more from "hands," there's a word with clear meaning after that, "off." The child doesn't have to cognitively work backwards. Repeat it, and you're still giving clear directions instead of asking someone whose age is still counted in months to parse English grammar to find your point. Hold on tight, instead of don't let go. Keep your shoes on, instead of don't take your shoes off. Once you know about the null first word, it becomes really clear why the kid has such a hard time.

By the way, it works with you, too. That's why Nike says, "Just do it," instead of "Don't sit on your behind."