Book Review: the best parenting book ever

I went into parenting, as I imagine so many of us do, with a lot of ideas about the parent I was not going to be, but not a really clear idea of the parent I was going to be. This emerged in stark relief when babyhood ended and boots were on the ground. In fact, I often felt resentful when my kids were unpleasant, because it felt so unfair. I wasn't my mother, why were my kids acting like I was?

You can learn many different ways, but when your experience is poor, it's natural (for me, anyway) to turn to books. And of course, there's a colossal universe of parenting books out there. I've read hundreds, but I didn't learn hundreds of things about parenting better. I learned a couple of things, but mostly these books, and the blog and magazine constellation that orbits them, were useless.

One book I saw recommended everywhere was How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & How To Listen So Kids Will Talk. I think I'm the only person who can't stand this book. Remember Highlights for Children, the magazine you only saw at the pediatrician's office? Remember Goofus and Gallant? They were a cartoon set of nightmare twins where one was always perfect and the other was demon spawn. Frankly, the boys should've been taken away to foster care the minute their names were registered, but Goofus always does something bad, and Gallant always does it good instead, making them kind of a watch-them-grow Bulger brothers setup. HTTSKWL&HTLSKWT is kind of like that, a series of cartoons where first your kids are awful, whiny and screaming with rage, and you hate them so you talk to them like the jerk you are; but in the second panel you talk like a therapist, discoursing with the smallest toddlers on their feelings, and suddenly the child is dry-eyed, docile and cooperative. It's like magic!

Except that it's not. In all my years as a babysitter, aunt, nanny and mother, I have never had a successful experience with this technique. Me: "I hear you calling your brother a poopy pants. How do you think that makes him feel?" Liam: "It makes him feel like a poopy pants. Because he is." No earthling child ever responded with a massive personality change like the cartoons. It's overtalky at the wrong time, and patronizing with a whiff of suppressed manipulation. So maybe it's not as bad as saying "shaddup" to a kid who's annoying you. Or maybe it is just as bad--it's like the game asking people whether they'd rather freeze to death or burn to death. How about neither?

After long, considered, critical reading, I tossed out everything but two books. One (and this is a full and somewhat embarrassing disclosure) helped me personally at a particular time, although about 70% of it was drippy new agey shlock: Whole Child Whole Parent, had a nice message that could've fit well in a small brochure about the radical concept that you don't need to constantly improve your kid or yourself, you just need to find ways to get along.

But the other, which was vastly more important, and I consider it the bible of parenting books, is Miss Manners Guide to Rearing Perfect Children, even though it's in need of an update. It's worth the price just for the solution to the game of asking "why" over and over and over. Answer, "I do not care to discuss it" over and over, and it will stop. It will stop without any loss of authority or politeness or temper. I've used it on difficult adults successfully.

Is MMGTRPC written in a hilarious tongue-in-cheek style that might be an accustomed taste? Yes. Does it involve manipulation of your children? In spades, but overtly, in such a way that as they grow, you can actually take it right out of the closet and own it: a thank you note for a disliked gift is a way to both be grateful for the thought, and to encourage more attempts by the giver. When the girls were old enough to call me out on being manipulative, I was able to wholeheartedly agree with them. Miss Manners is all about diplomacy--learning it, using it, teaching it, regardless of the age or gender of the diplomat or the diplomee.

More importantly, the book gives reality-based, practical social and temperament advice equally to parents and children. A boy whose bright red hair is often remarked upon by adults finds a polite but final answer to give. Critically, and I have been part of seeing this work, some kinds of mean-girl bullying is nipped in the bud, before it becomes devastating to the girl and satisfying to the queen bee. A mother tired of hearing remarks about her handicapped child is given an arsenal of social tools so that she is polite and still a champion for her child; assertive but not a shrew; mannerly but not a doormat. A father finds a courteous but firm answer to "Did you use a sperm donor?"

So that's my recommendation. Most kids, after babyhood, are very attuned to social situations. Everybody wants to get through the day, the month, the year; everybody wants the kids to be able to function well when they're all grown up; and everybody wants to save face. I remember feeling so liberated reading this book: I don't need to repeat this child's grievance. I don't need for her to articulate why she's having a tantrum, I pretty much already know. I just need to tell her it's time to stop or leave.

Parenting hack: Ok is not ok, ok?

The first time I got together with local homeschoolers was when Prima, was five, Penny was three and Treya was nearly one.* A domineering eleven-year old-boy (and sociopath-in-training) had convinced a number of other boys to sneak up on the toddlers and threaten them with sharp sticks, essentially staging a tot hunt. When alerted to the fact, the boy's mother called out an open door, "Honey, that's not ok, ok?" and turned away. This was supremely ineffective: it made him laugh and stab all the more. 

The problem with "ok" is that it is so all-encompassing as to be meaningless: it means agreement, assent or acceptance; and it means satisfactory, and it means functioning properly. In conversation, though, people constantly use it to mean "understand" or "do you hear me."

My favorite use of the term is when parents, terrified of being in charge, seem to have a compulsion to soften everything they say: "Addison, put those cookies back right now, ok?" "I said, 'Put them back, ok?'" "Now I'll have to give you a time-out, ok?" This is starting from a crazy premise; that Addison is agreeable to putting back the delicious cookies, the cookies that she is not interesting in putting away. Then follows a request that she will find a punishment satisfactory. In other words, this wording assumes that Addison is either stupid or crazy. It diminishes the good parenting you were trying to do. What you meant, and therefore, what you should have said, is, "Addison, put the cookies back. Do you understand?" It doesn't take much longer, it really doesn't.

Would you constantly ask your co-workers and subordinates if every request, especially disciplinary ones, was ok with them? And I know, kids aren't co-workers, although please remember, they are your subordinates. But establishing civility and clarity is an effective way earn respect. Not all the time, of course. Kids are unpleasant a lot of the time, sorry, but it's true. It's how human development works—everyone was once unpleasant.

There are pointless parents everywhere, but if you're not one of them, consider ditching the entire concept of ok, ok? Ok? Choke it back when you're tempted. But you know what? Just remember that it's not nice to ask kids to consent to something if you are not willing to accept the answer "no."

*birth order pseudonyms: Prima=daughter the first; Penny (short for penultimate)=daughter the second; Treya=daughter the third

Parenting hack: don't not never use a negative

My mother once washed my mouth out with soap. We had a little clothesline in the basement closet and clothespins with kitty faces on them for drying mittens. Five-year-oldish, I was singing to the kittens, and naming them alphabetically: Ay-itten, Bitten, Citten, Ditten, Ey-itten, Fitten, Gitten, and had apparently gotten to "sh." She said, "don't say that!" hauled me out of the closet by my ear and fed me a horrible, frothing, somewhat squishy bar of Ivory. For years and years I had no idea what her problem was with cats, but wow, she really hated all twenty-six of them.

Kids and parents are set up for communication channel failures all the time. Baby toddles over to the plug. Parent says, "Don't touch that!" Baby looks at parent. Baby yanks on plug. Baby's first time-out.

It's also baby's first Kafka: a punishment that comes down from above without the baby having the faintest idea what just happened. And there will be many, many, more of these on the way to being a fairly responsible member of society.

Tots don't get the word "don't." When you say "don't touch that!" you're setting the kid up for failure. First, obviously, the baby wants to touch the electrical cord. So you have to overcome the momentum of attention. Second, language is new to someone new. "Don't" is a short word with hardly any meaning in a world full of novelty and noise. In fact, it really only functions as a verbal "hey!"to a baby. So now he's looking at you, and taking in the words "touch that" which is what he wanted to do in the first place. You just told him to do it. So now he does, and he was sure you were on board with the plan, except that to you he looks defiant, and to him, your reaction looks insane. Then on top of it, he gets punished, and is mighty sad and angry about that.

Want to make things easier on both of you? Start talking clearly from the beginning. Say "Hands off!" for example, because even if she doesn't really get anything more from "hands," there's a word with clear meaning after that, "off." The child doesn't have to cognitively work backwards. Repeat it, and you're still giving clear directions instead of asking someone whose age is still counted in months to parse English grammar to find your point. Hold on tight, instead of don't let go. Keep your shoes on, instead of don't take your shoes off. Once you know about the null first word, it becomes really clear why the kid has such a hard time.

By the way, it works with you, too. That's why Nike says, "Just do it," instead of "Don't sit on your behind."

Parenting hack: the Sharpie

There are a lot of logistical issues with being a parent of small children, but there are a lot of them when you actually are a small child, and you can help make life easier with a couple of easy hacks. Being able to dress yourself comfortably is a huge developmental step, and having them do it competently without your input builds their independence and gives you your time back.

Today's hacking tool: the Sharpie.

Keep it away from the kid, though.

Shoes
Around two, three and a little older, there's a time when they have a terrible time getting shoes on the right feet. And what does "right" feet mean? Try to explain it and you'll get into a massive breakdown about "right" vs "right" vs "left" vs "wrong." And how can they be on the wrong feet? Children are bright enough to know they've only got one set. So take the sharpie and put a dot on the inside of the shoe, on the side of the sole next to the big toe, so that when the shoes are on right, the dots can match. Some kids like to make a kissing noise. Black shoes and dark soles, use light colored nail polish.

I've done this with a ton of kids, now, and only one time have I had any problem: once, when I was a nanny, the oldest boy (4) "helped" his sister with her shoes, by making dots all over the soles, so they could kiss wherever they were. Definitely made it pointless, but adorable, too.

Clothing
Got more than one kid? Is sorting the clothes like a jail sentence? Take that sharpie and dot the clothes. I usually do the neckline, either on the tags, if they haven't been cut off, or at the seam. Oldest kid gets one dot. Next kid gets two dots, and so on. Even a toddler can help you sort, and by first grade, any kid should have this as one of his or her chores. Secondly, When the oldest outgrows that very nice coat, just add a dot and it gets handed down to the next kid in line. The workaround for black and dark colors is a little more work--I've usually just gotten a needle and bright thread and made a little dot out of a couple of stitches. A bleach stick would work, too, but be very careful.

Underwear
This is more of a challenge for little daughters—which way does underwear go on? What good is a tag in the back if you only know you're right because you don't see it? And what good is a side tag at all for anybody? Take the sharpie and put the dot (or two or three or whatever) right in the middle of the front of the waistband on the inside. Now the kid can match the dot to her bellybutton. Kissing noises optional.

Friday After Thanksgiving Chain

If it is at all possible for you, check out the Friday After Thanksgiving Chain at MIT this year. That will cause you to do everything in your power to make one next year. This is an awesome Rube Goldberg-style collaboration that was begun by artist and scientist Arthur Ganson sixteen years ago.

Contraptions begin with the force of a mousetrap and end with the force of a mousetrap. What you do for at least 30 seconds in a 2' high x4' wide x6' long space on the table in between is up to you. We made a piece of the chain some years ago, and if I can find the photos, I will post them.

When we first became aware of the FAT chain, since we're all big Rube Goldberg fans, we went on youtube to see what kinds of projects had been done. There were lots of K'nex, legos, blocks and little cars, but the thing that jumped out at the three girls was that everything looked so boy oriented. And so the planning began.

It was a project that took a couple of months. I'll be the first to admit that the girls were, let us say, not consistent in their interest or involvement. One or the other of them would work on it for a while, but I was the one keeping time for the deadline. As we got close, we got incredible assistance from our friend Lee, who helped construct and troubleshoot, and Audrey, who sewed the ballgowns. Stay with me.

It's worth adding to the suspense that we had to deconstruct the whole thing, bring it to Thanksgiving at Grandma's in Connecticut, and that while we were there, we reconstructed it for practice, took video and photos that are now misplaced, and ran it twice: once perfectly, then when we brought people out to see it, a total fail. The next day, Friday, we ran set it up at the MIT gym and ran it once. Fail. However, the three girls were now totally into it. They set up the Barbies. They wrote a sign, "No Barbies were harmed in this FAT chain." They gave mini-tours as the crowd gathered, ending by saying that our table was physics and fashion. They gleefully overheard parents telling their kids that if they got lost or separated, they would all meet at the Barbie table.

It ended up as a wooden structure, painted pink and covered with glitter. It began with a mousetrap pull that caused a Barbie in silver leggings to shoot down a ramp in a little car. When she flew off the side, a string caused pink glitter sand to pour into tiny champagne glasses on a see-saw, and when they got full, they tipped another Barbie. Ball bearings were rolled. Magnets were pulled off. A Barbie ball-gown on a tiny hanger slid down a string and upset a tube of plastic jewels. Those started a chunky domino fall, and that ended with a mouse trap clap which started the next link in the chain. And arrayed all around the structure were spokesmodel Barbies, each one wearing matching pink ballgowns, each with a tiny pearl necklace and a Miss America-style sash that said "Barbie @ MIT."

The chain started with the vibration of a cell phone. We were about halfway around the gym. And when it was our turn, when it really counted, the Barbies pulled through. Not a single glitch. It was spectacular.

In fact, the only drawback, besides the fact that I cannot find the photos and video we took, is that the following year we could not for the life of us, conceive of a worthy act to follow. I suppose if you start epic, it's fine to end right there, when you're still epic.

Go forth, and make things move. Oh, and to inspire your girls, check out the Goldiblox add as well.