Kindernerd: Parenting hack: Ok is not ok, ok?

The first time I got together with local homeschoolers was when Prima, was five, Penny was three and Treya was nearly one.* A domineering eleven-year old-boy (and sociopath-in-training) had convinced a number of other boys to sneak up on the toddlers and threaten them with sharp sticks, essentially staging a tot hunt. When alerted to the fact, the boy's mother called out an open door, "Honey, that's not ok, ok?" and turned away. This was supremely ineffective: it made him laugh and stab all the more.

The problem with "ok" is that it is so all-encompassing as to be meaningless: it means agreement, assent or acceptance; and it means satisfactory, and it means functioning properly. In conversation, though, people constantly use it to mean "understand" or "do you hear me."

My favorite use of the term is when parents, terrified of being in charge, seem to have a compulsion to soften everything they say: "Addison, put those cookies back right now, ok?" "I said, 'Put them back, ok?'" "Now I'll have to give you a time-out, ok?" This is starting from a crazy premise; that Addison is agreeable to putting back the delicious cookies, the cookies that she is not interesting in putting away. Then follows a request that she will find a punishment satisfactory. In other words, this wording assumes that Addison is either stupid or crazy. It diminishes the good parenting you were trying to do. What you meant, and therefore, what you should have said, is, "Addison, put the cookies back. Do you understand?" It doesn't take much longer, it really doesn't.

Would you constantly ask your co-workers and subordinates if every request, especially disciplinary ones, was ok with them? And I know, kids aren't co-workers, although please remember, they are your subordinates. But establishing civility and clarity is an effective way earn respect. Not all the time, of course. Kids are unpleasant a lot of the time, sorry, but it's true. It's how human development works—everyone was once unpleasant.

There are pointless parents everywhere, but if you're not one of them, consider ditching the entire concept of ok, ok? Ok? Choke it back when you're tempted. But you know what? Just remember that it's not nice to ask kids to consent to something if you are not willing to accept the answer "no."